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Thoughts while awaiting a period

June 14, 2009

I’m on CD32, still no period. I’m determined not to take a pregnancy test until Friday. That would be CD37 and by then any results will be accurate. It’s funny, I’ve been wanting to drink a lot of water lately, I have an unquenchable thirst. This was my first symptom of pregnancy last time though at the time I did not think of it as a symptom but instead just got weirded out at my high level of thirst. Later I read its an early preggo symptom. That’s the one and only symptom these days for me, if it is a symptom at all.  I tell myself I dont think Im pregnant and I tell myself not to raise my hopes, but then when I feel a twinge down there, I tense wondering if my period is coming, and when I tense the thought that instinctively comes to mind is no no no, please no, please let me be pregnant. And this thought sounds so whimpery and pathetic I feel slightly annoyed that I am so vulnerable to the monthly workings of my body.

I’m debating taking my prenatal pills. I avoid taking them lately because taking them reminds me of Speck. I am someone who focuses a great deal on the small things, for better or worse. When I was pregnant, I took the pills and I imagined its nutrients nourishing my speck. I imagined it so well, now I feel strange taking it on an empty womb. But today, I am tempted to resume taking my prenatal vitamins. I’m only afraid it will hurt harder if come tomorrow I bleed.

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4 comments

  1. Honey, the waiting must be agonizing. I’ve been thinking of you all weekend & sending you bright light.

    Since you are very imaginative, maybe taking vitamins or visualizing your womb as a place you are getting ready to be filled as a nurturing place might help? You can send vitamins, warmth light & peace to your womb & body and ready it for your coming child.

    I love you & it was great hearing your voice yesterday. Praying for goodness!

    Love,
    Baraka


  2. your deep desire to mother a baby doesn’t sound whimpery or pathetic to me. it’s brave to let our vulnerabilities be known–even when only to ourselves.


  3. I know how you feel about the prenatals. After my miscarriage I was told to stay on them as my body would need the extra vitamins and such, especially if I was planning to try again. It wasn’t until about a month or 2 ago that I was finally able to start taking them again. I felt just like you did. They were supposed to be for Zippy (what we called our baby) and now that he was not here it felt wrong to take them. Do it when you can, when you feel you are able.


  4. Baraka, I will try to think of it like that. Thanks for your words of comfort. It was lovely to talk to you the other day. I’m thinking of you too!

    Lilly, thanks…. you are right, its brave… because to do so really exposes us to so much pain.

    Meggomae, Im glad im not the only one to have felt this way. Thanks for sharing



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