“You’ve been married seven years”

June 9, 2009

July 4, 2002: I got married. I was 22. The thought of pregnancy terrified me.

August 22, 2004: I start law school May 2004. I was 24. Pregnancy makes me queasy.

May X, 2006: I suggest to Jack, maybe we should have kids. Jack turns green. I was 26.

January 1, 2008: Jack says he’s ready. I was 28.

June 9, 2009: I’m a miscarrying infertile PCOSer. I am 29.

As the time line indicates we began TTC about 5.5 years into our marriage. The time we waited it kicks me in the butt you see because of the comments people make and the looks I get. Instead of me feeling proud to be happily married for nearly seven years, I feel ashamed that there is no offspring to show for it. I’m beginning to tire of the looks of pity. Instead of the scarlet letter A, I carry the dark cloud of IF over my head. Never mind that 12% of U.S. women struggle with TTC, we’re so silent were it not for blogging I’d think I was in it alone. Just yesterday I said something about how the cost of weddings has shot up since my time, and the girl retorted Um, you got married SEVEN year ago. That’s ancient history. I felt a wooly mammoth, never mind that this newlywed is just four months younger than me.

Jack said to me, if you wanted kids this badly why did we wait so long. I never knew it would be this hard. I actually remember telling friends when I was a teacher, I’m going to get pregnant in November to have a summer baby. They told me its not always that easy. I rolled my eyes. I came from a family of fertile women. They merely had to think about it, and they were pregnant.

I buried my head in the sand for a long while. I knew I had PCOS though I never knew its name. I knew there was something wrong but not until it was time to try did I actually start investigating. I should have started sooner.

Seven years of marriage. I should be proud, and yet because I let the things other say to me get to me, I feel partly ashamed to have nothing to show for it.

I’m trying hard to stand tall and with dignity with infertility, but some days that one comment can just cut you at the knees.


One comment

  1. I used to do EXACTLY the same thing … I’d plan to get pregnant in the spring or summer, so that I’d be most pregnant when it’s cooler in Texas. So naive! Some friends of ours were talking about things they were going to do to try to have a girl instead of a boy, like having sex in the days before ovulation, but not the day of ovulation. And I thought *gasp* NOT ovulation day?!? And, you actually KNOW your exact ovulation day?!? How lucky!!! I got married at 34, and now I’m almost 38, and I wonder if we should’ve started right away, too. But I realize now, I wasn’t ready, we weren’t ready. I’m more proud that I gave us time to grow in our marriage before we tried kids. I needed time to become a good wife to Troy, ’cause kids or no kids, I’ll still be a wife. And, like you, I would’ve had these IF issues whether I started then or now. Now Troy and I stronger in our marriage, better able to handle IF together. You are, too!

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