Birth Control Pills and my crack habit

June 9, 2009

Watching a birth control pill commercial and I feel wistful. They don’t want no baby and they are in control. I want a baby, and I have no control. Can I possibly convince myself that being childless is my own choice? If I were a master at self delusion, what a charmed life I would then lead.

I’m on CD27 and took another pregnancy test: BFN. I tested on CD33 when I was pregnant and got a BFN. I tested CD 39 and got my BFP. I knew what the results would be. I feel like a crack addict. Like a junkie, I spend tons of money on something I know is no good for me, I hide in the bathroom to get my fix, Jack knows I dabble but has no idea how much of our hard earned money is flushed down that toilet. As soon as I’m done, I feel horrible, but i’m pining for my next fix.

I’m tired.


  1. i hear ya, i had that same problem myself but i gave it up, i never touch those things anymore. it always ends up making me feel worse because it’s never a bfp. plus if i test super early i might catch a bfp that ends up being a chemical pregnancy, and that’s the LAST thing i need! i hope you are feeling a little better soon, i always feel so bad when i read your blog because you really do sound like you are in despair… hugs

    • Kate I think this will be the last cycle I do this. Before my m/c I had gotten really good about not buying too many pregnancy tests. I don’t know what happened this cycle. I’m sorry that my blog brings you down 😦

      I keep telling myself that I’m dealing with my loss well because in my “real world” I smile, joke around, entertain, etc. ?But the frequency of my blogging tells me that I’m hurting more than I care to admit.

      My doctor said it takes three months to grieve a loss…. I’m nearing month two. It’s not easy. I hope the sun will shine soon.

      Kate, how do you deal with it? How do you cope on a regular basis?

  2. I can completely relate! It is a fix. And an expensive one. I think I spent more $ testing HCG after my m/c than before. And I try to justify it by saying if I hadn’t kept testing, how would I know about this awful persistent HCG trophoblastic issue I’m having. And people nod in agreement. But somehow I still think…if I hadn’t been so obsessive, maybe I wouldn’t have known. Maybe this is nothing but a slow metabolism of hcg and i wouldn’t have needed chemo and it would eventually have gone away on its own.

    In any case, I appreciate the comment. It seems we have a lot in common. We started law school at the same age and learned that we would struggle with IF at the same age. Differences: you have an AMAZING supportive husband and mine is in the dog house right now. Also you are far more witty than me.

    Glad to have ‘met’ you!

  3. kate, i can totally relate with the compulsive testing. i also went through such a phase (and am sure another “phase” is just around the corner for me). please don’t rush yourself through the grieving process…it takes how ever long it will take and that’s different for every person…i admire your honest expression of what is really happening inside and i’m glad you have a place where you feel like you can let it out. i don’t feel brought down by reading your blog. also, it’s impossible to put a time limit on grieving, especially since it’s more than the m/c that we have lost…and i well know the desire for the pain to stop. i hope you are able to find moments of kindness for yourself as you process your loss. remembering you, lilly

  4. no no, i don’t want you to think it brings me down, but being a fellow infertile i know exactly how you feel and it makes me feel bad to think of anyone else having to go through the same things i do. you are right, it definitely takes as long as it takes to get over something so devastating. i have had a miscarriage as well as an ectopic pregnancy, i don’t talk about it in my blog because it was during a previous relationship, but i really do understand how you feel. i guess after almost two years of disappointments i cope with it by not allowing myself to have hope which is not exactly the most healthy way to deal with things, i wouldn’t recommend it, but i guess everybody has their own way of dealing with things. i do hope you can find some peace with all of this, but not in a rush, in as much time as it takes.

  5. Astrid, glad to have met you too. I’m sorry your hubby is not being supportive right now. Jack has his off days too. Last night he said, “so you really want kids huh?” I stared at him like he grew a carrot through his forehead. Really? In any case, fellow counselor, I wish us both success in this difficult as hell journey ahead of us.

    Lilly, thanks for your words of comfort. Comments really are like hugs I think. Especially when in your real life, not too many know. I think you you are right. I can’t time limit my grief and I need to stop judging myself for it. it’s not always easy.

    Katery, I’m glad that this blog doesn’t bring you down! I understand what you are saying. I have the same emotion when i read someone who is recently going through what I went through nearly two months ago now. Its easy to empathize deeply with those we share so much in common with. Hope is nice- but its also a beeyotch. I hate that before my m/c I had given up hope…. I had nipped it. But now its back like a weed.

  6. i’m glad you have hope, the world is so desolate without it!

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