Pregnancy TestsJune 4, 2009
When pregnancy test manufacturers stuck “TEST FIVE DAYS SOONER” on the box they knew they hit the jackpot. For infertiles, pregnancy tests are our crack. Let’s be real, we tested before our period prior to them sticking that on the box, but now some of us (ahem) decide to try it even a few days after suspected ovulation thinking well, it’s almost five days sooner.
I should not have taken a pregnancy test. I’m only on CD22. If I did ovulate on CD11 its still too early to test. But you see, my boobs, they’re sore. I’m sleepy. I’m a bit queasy. And yes, I’m a neurotic infertile. So I tested. And yeah, it was a BFN [big fucking NO]. I know it will seem strange but I needed to see that no now while I knew it would say no as opposed to June 17, 2009 about four days after my period is due when I will test again. I needed to see the negative. I needed to ease back into the land of infertility where you feel stuck in a maddening groundhog day of tests that read the same: NO.
I’ve been putting off calling my OBGYN for a consult to discuss the next steps. I am not sure why but I think seeing the BFN reminds me I need to be proactive again. I’m trying to push my miscarriage out of my mind and the feelings of unfairness that follow, you know the whole why am I having to sit here in this silent bathroom staring at this test with desperate longing? I thought I was past this. Yeah, that. It’s a daily struggle, but I continue climbing.