Pregnant on command

May 28, 2009

My hair dresser discussed how her two sisters are pregnant. Yeah, they plan their pregnancies for the same time. Must be nice, I think. Again, I am asked when will I have kids. I tell her not everyone can plan their pregnancies, some of us just get pregnant when we can. I did not say it with snarky intent. I said it because I am tired of being a silent sufferer. I am not about to tell my relatives at the wedding when they ask about my childless state Hey y’all, I’m infertile. My mom in fact, rushed up to me with my bottle of Metformin, hide it! She said. Can we find a unlabeled container to place these in! People will know! I’m not ready to tell my relatives but, but I can tell others so they are aware its out there, because we’re a whole a bunch of people and we tend to walk around like we must be ashamed. I felt good about this.

I came back to my parent’s house after the appointment. A cousin I have not seen in a year is over. She stood up to hug me. She was pregnant. Correction: She is pregnant. I was pregnant. She is 20 weeks pregnant. I would have been 17 weeks pregnant. She said, yeah, we wanted the next to be two years apart from Nora.

It felt like someone picked me up and threw me against a brick wall. I’m not exaggerating. I feel ripped to shreds. The reaction is not an intellectual one. I am about to write what I feel. It will not be eloquent and it will not be nice. It is not me. It is the basest part of me. Please don’t judge me. Please don’t hate me because I am about to wallow… and let myself self pity…. I am so FUCKING angry with the world right now. Speck, why are you gone? WHY did you leave me? Why me? Why did this have to happen to me? What did I do wrong? What did she do right? Why can’t I plan my fucking pregnancies? Why can’t I have a nice big pregnant belly? Why is my baby gone? Speck my heart remains torn into shreds. It’s raw and it smarts each time its touched. Can someone tell me what to do to take this pain away?

I’ll be okay. It’s one of those days.


  1. i wish there were some words i could say to make you feel better, but the fact of the matter is, there’s not. it’s a cruel world, we just have to live through things like this and hope that we can make it.

  2. I feel the same way today. In fact, it’s funny, because I wrote an angry blog, then popped over to see yours, only to realize you are feeling the same way. I am so frickin’ mad that these women can just plan to get pregnant whenever they want. For some, that’s just a luxury we can only appreciate but not attain.
    How infuriating! I’m so sorry that you have these pregnant ladies all around you right now, inadvertently bragging about their conception abilities. Personally, I wish people would just stop getting pregnant all around me until I can catch up; is that such a selfish thought? I am angry right along with you.

  3. the loss is devastating and then some…you honor speck’s life and your love for him when you express the grief you feel in his death–primal rage and all. i value your raw honesty.

  4. Just sending warm thoughts your way– this visceral response vs intellectual response is something I totally get– I want to make sense of it, understand it, but I don’t, I can’t. And I am pretty sure I never will. Loss like this feels like stolen dreams, and it is unfair, it is.
    I am so sorry for your loss, and wish you longer moments of peace. And good for you for speaking up and speaking out with your hairdresser. the presumption of fertility is a really hard one.


  5. Kate, thanks, you are right.
    Jeanine- I’m glad to know these feelings are not mine alone. I love your statement “inadvertantly bragging about their conception abilities”
    Lilly, thank you for putting it that way. I honor his presence by missing him as I do.
    Mekate- thank you so much… hopefully i’ll learn to stand up for myself in the future too.

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