Seeing Family

May 22, 2009

I’ve been crying at the drop of a hat today. I think part of it is I’m emotional since my baby brother is getting married. He’s my best friend and I’m happy he’s found love but its a big change and I hope we will remain close. It’s the other reason that’s hurting more: this is the first time I’ll see my family after my miscarriage. Last time it was baby talk all the time. We debated names. My mom took me crib shopping. My brothers drove me to midnight taco bell runs. Speck would have been the first grandchild. One of the joys I felt about my baby was imagining their faces as they held the first grandchild. This week my relatives were going to find out I was pregnant. I would be sixteen weeks pregnant. I’m scared to see my family. I’m scared I will break down and weep. No one but Jack has seen me break.  I’m afraid of scaring people with the rawness of my emotions. If I hurt I know my parents will hurt, so I plan to do my best to keep it to myself. This will be difficult because as my parents they can usually tell if my heart is breaking.  Still, I’m going to try. This weekend is about my brother, not me.  I plan to keep myself in check and smile and pretend there is no nail jamming into my heart, but I am scared that the acting job this time may not be sufficient.



  1. Wishing you strength to get through your weekend no matter how it unfolds, you may cry, you may not but no matter what i hope you feel loved and supported.
    And I so appreciate your last post too- about gratitude for the time you had. yes. me too. thank you for putting it into words.

  2. Thank you Kate- and I’m glad that my post about gratitude meant something to you.

  3. it’s ok if you cry, you can just say they are tears of joy for your brother’s happiness!

  4. As someone who has suffered illness I understand the part about bearing one’s grief alone, or with one’s partner. We don’t want to burden or hurt our family by showing them the depths of our pain.

    But sometimes we do break down with them and find that they are stronger than we think. What I’ve discovered is that there is nothing as strong as family, or as beautiful as the refuge of the arms of our loving parents.

    I wish you strength and happiness during your your beloved brother’s wedding, and if you do break down, know that their love will surround and help to heal you.

    Love you,

  5. Kate, thanks for the advice. I’m managing to be okay.

    Baraka, thanks so much for sharing your perspective. You are right. I did break down at one point, but I was amazed with how strong my parents truly are.

  6. I’m so sorry this is a tough time for you. Im sure you had to address the miscarriage issue a few times, but after that I hope you were able to enjoy your brother’s wedding and the happiness of the day.

    The March of Dimes has created a Bereavement Kit for families who have suffered a loss. It contains fact sheets on reasons for loss and booklets that deal with the issues From Hurt to Healing; What Do You Say?; When You’re Ready to Try Again; and Resources. You can read about it at this link: http://www.marchofdimes.com/pnhec/572.asp. If you would like to have one of these helpful and free kits, please send an email requesting it to the following address: bkit@marchofdimes.com. We will gladly mail one to you. — Best wishes.

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