Moving on but staying putMay 19, 2009
Jack and I went on a trip to the pacific northwest this past weekend. We flew into Seattle and also spent two nights in Portland, OR. I have always wanted to live in Portland based on what I’ve heard about it. The world’s largest bookstore, beautiful rose gardens, a wonderful small town which is quaint but cultured and beautiful! I am proud to say that I had only one day where I got a bit teary but otherwise, I have not wept in about four days.
It’s funny how my view on my miscarriage and my infertility has changed since my miscarriage. When I saw parents with young children and babies, I always felt a tug, the biological clock, tapping on my empty womb, but now, its different. I wish I could explain it. We walked by the space needle in Seattle and I did not want to go up because judging from the people standing in line, it was something you do with kids. They had a whole carnival set up, for kids. In Portland, I was browsing through Powell’s books and stared at the large children’s section. They had the “Hungry Caterpillar” series. If I was pregnant I would have purchased a suitcase worth of kids books. I kept seeing pregnant women and feeling a feeling like homesickness… except I can’t go back.
I always felt a sense of sadness over my infertility but now I feel childless. I keep thinking of my baby. The life I had so briefly planned. I see children and I see little ones who made it through the first trimester. I feel like a poor kid who craved a lollipop for weeks. The shop owner says, “You want it? Go take it. No really, you can have it.” The kid reaches out and holds it. He unwraps the plasic cover and glances at the shop owner who smiles and nods encouragingly. As he opens his mouth to taste, he shop owner grabs the lollipop, kicks him to the floor, the lollipop now shards. That’ll teach you to think you can just have a lollipop!
Before my miscarriage, I stared at the lollipop with large longing eyes. Now, I’m tending to bruises and feeling stupid for having dared coveted it. Before my miscarriage, I longed to be pregnant. Now I am scared to dream.
So in short, I think I’m moving on, though in some ways I remain running in place.