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My miscarriage, my fault

May 14, 2009

I rarely get on twitter anymore. I never was big on it anyway. Today I checked in. A friend who is a new mother tweeted After nine months I can finally eat raw cookie dough! I missed it so.

I am now biting my lip to fight back tears. You see,  I ate raw cookie dough. I ate sunny side up eggs, twice. You’re not supposed to eat raw eggs when you’re pregnant. The day I found out I was pregnant, I had eaten sushi. No! Said the doctor- no sushi for you! I drank tea almost every day. Some caffeine okay, but better none at all! I lifted a carry on suitcase. No straining yourself when pregnant! I remember seeing a man looking at me as I lifted it and thought, I shoudl ask him. But I didn’t. I did it myself.

I read that one sentence and guilt now seeps through my pores like acid. What kind of mother would I be? Could I not push away for nine months my selfish desires? Did I in any way cause my baby to die? Is this my fault? Do I deserve to be a mother?

Dear God- if you still listen to me. I promise to be better next time. I swear.

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8 comments

  1. It’s not your fault. French doctors allow pregnant women to drink a glass of red wine a day. Japanese women eat sushi when pregnant. I was convinced that my bumping into a chair the day before my miscarriage might have caused it. Or the one time I ate sushi the week before. My mother even added that it was putting a warm laptop on my lap, or not stopping birth control pills earlier. Sometimes, we just want a reason for it happening and we blame ourselves.
    What really pisses me off is pregnant women who didn’t intend on having babies, drugged out of their minds, drinking, etc. and having healthy babies. In a messed up way, that proves you’d be a great mother, because you actually care enough to worry about your pregnancy.
    I just got a box of baby formula in the mail today, and am going to b**ch the company out for being so insensitive. Along with the company who sent me baby bottles last week.


  2. oh sweet Kate.. I am so sorry for the guilt you feel. What a tough tough feeling.. You DID NOT cause your miscarriage at all!

    Reading a tweet like that would definitely make me cry. Cry if you need to. Let it all out. But know, please know, that you did nothing to cause your miscarriage.


  3. I beat myself up over drinking half a cup of coffee for a few days when I was pregnant. It often makes me wonder, but I think back to the time of our mothers and grandmothers when they believed the umbilical cord protected babies from everything the mother consumed, including alcohol and cigarettes, and somehow, here we are.
    It truly wasn’t your fault. The feelings of guilt are often hard to dismiss, but I hope you don’t beat yourself up too bad. I have a feeling all our babies are smiling at us, wishing us love and comfort in this difficult time.


  4. Thanks all for your responses, and for reminding me its not my fault. To some degree I know that, but a part of me winces as I recall the eggs, etc. Thanks though for your reassurances.

    It’s true, once upon a time no one knew as much as they know today and yet here we are standing and okay.


  5. NO NO NO! It is in NO WAY your fault. I know I fall into the fault cycle myself. I took Ibuprofen one night not knowing that is a big NO NO – luckily I had an ultrasound a few days later, so I know that wasn’t it, but I can’t helping thinking it was…I had a couple hot dogs before I knew I was pregnant. I ate burgers though I swore I was going to eat healthy. There’s always something to think to blame it on. My personal blame? I was taking progesterone supplements. One week after my last ultrasound they told me I could stop them as “my body was producing progesterone on it’s own”. So i did. They tell me my baby died about a week after my last ultrasound. That is where I lay my blame. I was nervous about stopping, but they assured me it was okay. If I by some small miracle am able to conceive again, I will be taking those pills until a healthy, living child is in my arms, no matter what they say!


  6. Meggomae the progesterone haunts me too. I asked for it and my doc said I did not need it. It haunts me to this day. She promised me next time she’ll let me keep taking it…. but its too late now for what I once had… not that there’s a guarantee that it would’ve been different.


  7. Oh Kate, I’m sorry for you loss but especially sorry for your feelling of guilt. Listen to these other gals – IT. IS. NOT. YOUR. FAULT. It wasn’t the cookie dough, or the eggs, or the sushi.

    The causes of miscarriage are not thoroughly understood. However, most miscarriages occur when a pregnancy is not developing normally. Usually, there is nothing a woman or her provider can do to prevent it.

    Be kind to yourself and take a deep breath. Feel your grief, but leave the guilt alone.


  8. I just read this today, and of course hope that you have come to the full realization that of course it isn’t your fault. But, also wanted to let you know that I’ve been beating myself up over the same things and it’s so normal. I know that nothing anyone says will ever make you feel good about eating the eggs or cookie dough (just I’ll never feel good about lifting my 32 pound nephew, or eating sushi, or taking an Advil because my head hurt and freaking Tylenol wasn’t doing anything for it), and that’s a sign of what a wonderful mother you will be for your Baby Bug. It’s also a sign of what a wonderful mother you ARE to your Speck.



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