Miscarriage, a while agoMay 13, 2009
When my friend Linda called to express her condolences, she said I heard it happened a while ago. I sat in my car considering the words a while ago. When my miscarriage first happened, a blogger who struggled through this too e-mailed me. She told me it took her about a month to see a ray of light. One month ago, on April 13, 2009 this felt like a very long time away. Now, I can’t believe its been a month. It feels like two weeks ago, two days ago, sometimes it feels like two minutes ago.
Things are certainly different now. On the whole, I’m better than I was a month ago. Its been four days since I curled up and cried until I shook. It used to be every day, and it used to involve expletives. I can go five minutes and not think about it. Its an improvement from every second of every minute of every day. In short, I am better. From where I was, I’ve climbed K2.
I’m not sure what I would do if I did not have this blog as my safe place to let out my feelings and frustrations. What Iv’e shared here are things I have difficulty verbalizing because a) they are too painful and b) what on earth do I expect anyone to say? My mother would be shocked if she came across this. She knows I’m sad, but I shield her from the depths of my grief. Having briefly held the dream of motherhood myself, I can only imagine how much my pain would hurt her.
I remember two years after my wedding a friend said, “I saw your wedding pictures! I know it was a while ago!” and I felt stunned at how it really had been a while ago though it felt like yesterday. It still feels like yesterday that I married Jack and yet it truly has been a while ago. Will this miscarriage be the same? Time will continue to distance me from the child I briefly knew and the horror of the night that was April 13, 2009. Time will certify that moment as a while ago but will I continue to feel like it happened yesterday?