Baby or Embryo or FetusMay 10, 2009
I dreamt last night that I gave birth to a daughter. The nurses took her to the nursery but then when I went to see her, I couldn’t find her. I asked for my baby and they looked at me like I was crazy. I have a baby! I told them. They looked at me with raised eyebrows.
I woke with a start to my husband lying next to me listening to music. I scooted closer to hug him.
Jack: This song by the Killers got me emotional. It just makes me think of what could have been.
Me: I miss our baby too.
Jack: It wasn’t a baby.
Me: Yes, it was.
Jack: No, it was an embryo.
Me: If you want to get technical it was a fetus since I was 11 weeks.
Jack: But not a baby.
Me: Look, I heard his heart beat, I saw him wiggle on the ultrasound…
Jack: Yes, but it was just mechanical, there was nothing there, no soul.
Me: Why do you fight me on this? Why can’t you accept that for me it was a baby?
Jack: Because if it was a baby, then when does the pain ever end?
I understand now why he fights me on this. He needs this to have been nothing, he doesn’t want to hear my descriptions of where he was gestationally when he died. He doesn’t want to know that our baby had legs and arms and tiny little buds where fingers would form. He doesn’t want to picture the small perfect head, the little heart that beat so fiercy at 162 beats per minute. He doesn’t want to, but the problem is I have no choice. I housed my baby for a brief while and during that while as I remembered his heart beat, and read how he was developing, I fell head over heels in love with him. Jack and I experienced this different. All I know is that today I held it together. I called my mom and cheerfully wished her a Happy Mother’s Day, and I went on with my day. But when I heard this song by savage garden I nearly fell apart: I knew I loved you before I met you I think I dreamed you into life I knew I loved you before I met you I have been waiting all my life. My point? Sometimes I wish I could see it through Jack’s eyes. I think the pain would certainly be less.
I must say that reading other people’s blogs and learning of the different experiences so many of us have faced gives me strength because I know I am not alone. I am amazed at how beautifully so many bloggers have reached out to me. I do not know you but you have helped me in my healing process. Thank you.