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Mother’s Day and Incapacitation

May 9, 2009

I have a list of chores to do but I can’t seem to move from this couch. There is a boulder in my throat. Tomorrow is mother’s day and the one month anniversary of losing Speck. How can it have been that long? One month and these are the thoughts that drift through my mind. I’ve now been trying for 1.5 years. I should have been four months pregnant. The pants I’m wearing should be tight. Now I have to wait for my period. I miss my baby. I wish he was coming in November. I really really really miss my baby.

I don’t want to get up. I want to stay sitting. Surfing the web as though finding information on miscarriages will heal me and take away my pain. How much can I search? Can anything really help quell the pain? I have to get up now. I will load the dishwasher. I will run on the treadmill. I will make lunch. I will eat it. I will go to my friend’s house this evening and I will hold their baby girl. I will say the right things. If I didn’t go through the motions, if I let the grief consume me, I fear that I would implode into dust.

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