Yep, it was my last HCG

May 8, 2009

The nurse called to confirm my numbers are negative. I am officially unpregnant now. I smiled and then I cried. He’s gone. It’s like he never happened.  All evidence of his presence now fully erased. What baby? No proof save the ultrasound pictures I’ve tucked away in a drawer, and the pregnancy books hidden behind stacks of books in our bookshelf.  I had a two day cry-free streak but I guess three days was asking for too much.

I think I ovulated yesterday. I had the familiar pangs and I had EWCM (Egg White Cervical Mucus). Jack wanted to try, but I hesitated since my doctor said wait until your first cycle. I’m still torn by my decision since I’ve heard you are super fertile right after a miscarriage. I reassured myself that perhaps I was not ovulating and my body was simply readjusting. The nurse today told me to expect a period in a week or two, this means I was likely ovulating. Oh well- its okay. There is always the next cycle, and the next, and the next, and the next, and the next and the… sigh.



  1. i resonate with the ambivalence you wrote of around ttc again right after miscarrying, given the literature about increased fertility during that time…it can be so difficult to “know” when we are “ready” to risk it all again. i’m not sure i’ll ever feel ready, but perhaps i’ll feel stronger, more able to give my heart to another little whisper-baby? hard to know. you write beautifully and honestly of your thoughts and feelings…thank you for sharing your grief with those of us who know something of this pain. l

  2. Thank you for your supporting words of advice. Its a really tough decision. My hubby and I did end up TTC twice… though I’m almost positive I wasn’t ovulating. We’ll see what happens.

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