Hopefully my last HCG

May 7, 2009

I called my doctor to do my lab work to check my HCG levels. This is a very large practice but the lady who scheduled me remembered me. How are you doing sweetie? She asked. I’m doing better, I responded. Good, I’m glad to hear, I’ve been thinking of you, you’ve had a really rough couple of weeks, you’ve been through a whole lot. I can’t describe how such kindness helps soothe my soul. I really have been through a lot, not just these past few weeks but since January 2008. Not too many of the people I’ve told have checked in on me to see how I’m doing. It’s okay, maybe they think I’m over it or something, but I must say that people who do ask how I’m doing and that they’re thinking of me, really helps. I didn’t think it would but it really does. I hope my HCG levels are zero tomorrow so I can begin the process of awaiting my period. Today was a good day, not a single tear drop. One day at a time.



  1. It is nice to know that someone can be thoughful and say just the right things to soothe your soul.
    You have your good days, and you have your bad days. My due date would’ve been next week, and I am still having bad days a few days a week. It does get better though, over time. My mom told me if I stopped thinking about the miscarriage, that I would forget it ever happened. Obviously, she is very, very wrong. I just don’t talk to her about it anymore. But I do cry about it when I feel like it. I write about it to release all the emotions built up inside me. The hurt never completely goes away, but it helps you become stronger over time.

  2. I am hurting for you as your due date arrives. I dread my due date, November 3rd. I think our parents, and other loved ones just don’t understand and not only that, they don’t want to consider us as hurting because it hurts them. They are more eager to sweep it under the rug even though pretending it didn’t happen won’t make it so.

    Have you guys been trying to conceive (TTC) since your miscarriage? I’m confused as to the next step. I TTC for a year before getting pregnant and I am scared of starting over. I plan to have a consult with my OB to see when she will be willing to consider me for Clomid.

  3. Just wanted to let you know that you have been in my thoughts & prayers constantly…I hope to catch you on the phone soon.

    Love you,

  4. We were naive in thinking how easy it was to conceive, since we tried for one month and ended up pregnant, then miscarrying 3 months later. I have been back and forth on our decision to try again. I miscarried in November, and first attempt to try again was in March, then stopped trying in April, then preparing to try again this month. The fear I might mess up again is what changes my decision over and over again.

    I can’t imagine how you feel in trying for over a year. I’m sorry that you had to go through waiting for so long and having to start over again.

    Being scared of starting over is totally normal. I have months where I say ‘hell no, not again’ and months where I say ‘let’s do this’. You’ll feel it when you’re ready.

    My doctor told me I was physically able to try again after one cycle, but I didn’t even want to think about it. I felt like trying again so soon was like trying to replace the baby I lost with a new one. Of course, that’s just how I felt, not how everyone miscarrying feels. I just needed more time.

    I had a friend who went through 6 miscarriages. Her advice to me was, try again as soon as you can. It finally worked out for her, she has one baby daughter and another pregnancy now. I couldn’t take her advice, the way we each handle our miscarriages are both the same and different. We all feel the same horrible things, but we heal in different ways.

  5. My husband has wanted to try now as I am currently ovulating, but like you, I am scared something could go wrong. I noticed you said “I might mess up again” and I hope you aren’t blaming yourself. I understand the need to look at we’ve done, but there is nothing we can do in most cases. A website I read pointed out that some women blame thesmelves for their high stress levels, but 50 women were pregnant when their spouses died on 9/11 but all 50 had healthy babies at the end….. if anyone had high stress it was these women. In the end its all a mystery, most miscarriages. I think your final sentence is profound, we truly do suffer similarly but heal differently.

    I personally plan to start TTC again right after my cycle resumes… but who knows for sure how I will feel.

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