Miscarriage- random thoughtsMay 1, 2009
Today, I felt normal. I went to work and felt absorbed. Later, in the evening, during a phone call, I laughed. A real laugh, not just a polite chuckle. It surprised me, but I felt happy. Then a friend texted us that his wife is going into labor. Now, I glance at a calender. It’s May. My reaction is knee jerk: tears welling and an ache now familiar, throbbing. I’m nearly half way into 2009. I want to have a tantrum. To throw myself onto the floor and wail. Of course I do no such thing. Instead, I bake chocolate chip cookies. I remind myself to take it one day a time. I cannot worry about tomorrow.
I’m reading various books discussing the meaning of life and our purpose. I am talking to a therapist to keep me from drowning. I hesitate to admit I see one, but I want anyone who comes across this to know its okay, and that a good therapist can help. I can tell him the things I cannot tell anyone else- not even Jack, not even this blog. It may not help everyone, and does not make my life rosy as I have yet to beat my one day no cry streak, but it makes things a little easier. He says I seem to be in the midst of personal growth. And most growth involves pain. My miscarriage has spun my world off its axis. I’ve awoken from the day dream that is my daily life. I search for a framework as I float in zero gravity air. I am confused. I am upset. I am sad. I am scared. Certainly, there is pain, perhaps there will be growth.
A friend shared with me this quote: The lowest ebb, is the turn of the tide [Henry Wadsworth Longfellow].
I am at my lowest ebb. I await the turn of the tide.