Pads and Pregnancy Tests

June 11, 2008

I felt strange today as I walked up to the CVS counter and plopped down my two purchases: Pads and Walgreens Pregnancy Test. The cashier raised an eyebrow as he scanned but I shot him a look that sent back to his scanning.

Cycle day 41 and the brown is gone replaced by red. Dark red. But again its not that much, just a little. This is not a normal period. Perhaps I did not ovulate this month and this is an anaovulatory period (A “period” that happens when you do not ovulate). The pregnancy tests say negative and my doctor friend said by now I should show positive if I am.

The agony is excruciating but I am trying to hold on. I’m accepting that this is happening for a reason.

But you know, when I was 14 I said to my mom “Why do people even have kids, I hope I never have them” My mom said “Be careful what you say, you never know when God is listening an will answer your wish” That night I went to the movie rental store and checked out a random movie I’d never heard of, it was about a woman trying to conceive and could not. I felt deathly afraid as if I just got a sign from God that one day I would have problems. Then I shook my head and said, no its a sign that I should appreciate motherhood when it comes.

I think about that moment a lot these days. I think about the words I uttered. And I feel afraid. I just can’t shake the deathly fear that I might never conceive.

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