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Praying.

May 4, 2008

I prayed for the first time in many many months. I was surprised by how my emotions overcame me. I could not control my tears as they continued rolling down my cheeks. I shook with sobs. This emotion shocked me. For someone who is always so cynical of Him…. the way I reacted… the numbness I now feel… its frankly, overwhelming.

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4 comments

  1. Hey – stopping by .. read through your blog .. if I can throw in my 2 cents it’s this – don’t wait a year if you know something is wrong. Think about scheduling a consult with a reproductive endocrinologist – RE. Or – see a new ob/gyn who is more aggressive (despite what your friend said. I respectfully disagree.) I think it’s strange that your ob/gyn doesn’t want to do more bloodwork and testing to find out WHY you’re not ovulating regularly. It may be very fixable. But if no one looks for the problem – then you can’t find the solution! Hang in there – you’ll get this figured out! But you have to be your own advocate. Good luck!!!


  2. And one more – all of this:

    But what if I’m not ovulating? There’s nothing you can do about it.

    But what I just dont get my period? There’s nothing you can do about it.

    What if I never have kids? There’s nothing you can do about it.

    WRONG on all three counts!! If you’re not ovulating – there are drugs that can MAKE you ovulate so you absolutely CAN do something about it.

    Once you ovulate – you WILL get your period afterward (or better yet, get pregnant) so again, absolutely there IS something you can do about it.

    And there are numerous treatment options for people dealing with infertility – so you CAN do something about not having kids. Basically – yes, you CAN do something about all of the above. 🙂


  3. {{{hugs}}}

    I wish I had the right words to say… I think that everything you’re feeling and thinking are perfectly normal given the situation. I think it’s a healthy decision to focus on other things while you’re trying. Watching a pot of water doesn’t make it boil any faster.

    Just remember God’s will – and *if* the worst is true – *if* you’re unable to get pregnant – that doesn’t mean you can’t have a child. There are plenty of beautiful children out there to adopt. You could give a child from a different country an amazing opportunity – she could turn out like that little girl from Afghanistan that you know and love so much. You wouldn’t love her any less than if she were born of your womb instead of your heart…. Still, this is premature thinking. We can’t predict what will happen next month or the month after that. Stay hopeful.

    And I don’t think God would punish you in this way. In the Bible we have a story which is supposed to demonstrate God’s love for you – the Prodigal Son. Have you ever read it? … The son goes away from the father and behaves badly. Eventually he returns, repenting, asking forgiveness. The son is so ashamed of his behavior that he starts to beg his father to let him be even a servant to him instead of his son —- The father does not turn his back. The father does not punish him or act coldly. In fact, the father embraces him and celebrates because his son has returned. He kills a calf in his honor, gives him clothing and a family ring (the ring back them would have had an emblem which could be pushed into wax to purchase things – it was like giving him the family credit card – a very big deal.)

    I think that when we turn from God and then come back, he is happy – not angry – so you can stop worrying about at least one thing. {hugs}


  4. Alicia, thank you so much for stopping by blog, reading and giving me your wonderful advice. I really appreciate that you read my struggle and believe that its not crazy to feel the way I am feeling about my doctor (and friend’s) advice. I think you are right. I will change doctors, explain the issues with ovulation, etc and I will try to get help. I guess like you said… there IS something I can do about it. This is why I am so appreciative of the blogging community and reading blogs like yours, because they do help me realize what other options are out there. My friend stopped me from considering going forward…. but I think your objective advice is sound and sits better with me.

    Sun…. thank you so much for your perspective on God and on children. I love you!



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