It will come and go in waves

May 3, 2008

I think today has helped me really come to terms with something. I don’t have any control. I can research on-line, I can check out forums, I can analyze every single symptom wondering if this is a “sign” or not. But does it really change my reality for now? I read on a website a while ago, “trying to figure out pregnancy symptoms are meaningless unless they are meaningful” (i.e. symptoms could mean anything so unless you know you are, stop analyzing).

I am going to try and focus on other things as we try. Eating right/working out, working on my writing, doing my jobs, enjoying my family, and praying and focusing on God. Sometimes I think that I have no right to think of Him now when so often He is absent from my mind. Sometimes I think He is punishing me for this right now. But maybe He is testing me. Maybe He is reminding me that He is here, and is giving me an opportunity to turn to Him again.

I feel centered at the moment. I feel I have made peace. But I know tomorrow I might be a wreck again. I understand that my emotions on this topic will come and go in waves.


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