Day 40. BFN.

May 2, 2008

I don’t know why there is no part of me that has any hope I am currently pregnant. Perhaps its the ten tests all of which screamed: DUDE STOP TESTING YOU ARE SO NOT PREGNANT!!! [yes, this may have had something to do with it] but the other is that if even allow myself for a moment to think so, when the period comes, it will be all the more painful to know that this is not the month.

Worse still, when the sadness recedes, it will be replaced by worry at the strange length of this cycle. My longest recorded cycle ever [and counting]. It makes me wonder: Why have I felt abdominal cramps for two weeks now? Why did I nearly throw up yesterday? Why did my boobs GROW two weeks ago?

Right now again, I feel the oncoming of a period. And yet none.

Today I got a new stove. The movers hauled the old one away. Underneath the old stove was an old baby pacifier. I held it in my hands and then I couldn’t keep myself from wondering…. when will it be my turn to lose pacifiers under this stove?


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