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The uncertain future

April 23, 2008

I am a little nervous. Though I might joke about my obsessive nature with the testing, etc. this is bad. What if I am not pregnant? Then what? How long will I continue to TTC and then live two weeks in agony? I can’t do that? Life is about the journey not the destination?

I talked to my best friend who has a two year old daughter (who she conceived on the first try) about my agony in waiting and she said “Just wait, you either are you are not, and you will find out soon enough” She also pointed out “This is time for the best sex of your life. Not to agonize and make charts. You don’t even know if there is a problem yet!” She is right. She is right. She is right.

I tell myself this but I can’t shake the worries. There is so much pressure on me. Our parents have different reactions to our TTC…

My mom is excited and through the moon, she is as optimistic as can be, telling me all the cute baby clothes she saw, though she does manage to send me e-mails on sperms and how to help them swim from time to time.

My MIL? She has confronted both me and Jack on separate occasions to inquire which one of us has a problem. Which one of us is broken. She advised us both to go to the doctor and inquire what is wrong.

I laugh these things off but in truth they unnerve me. Is there something wrong with me? Will I disappoint my parents? Will I never be able to have kids? Is there something wrong with me?

I have had tests to check if I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) or Insulin resistance or was not able to ovulate. The tests have come back normal: I am normal.

Then why can’t I be happy now? Why am I nothing but a ball of stress and concern?

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