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As I wait

April 22, 2008

I am currently in the midst of my third TWW this year. We tried in January, March, and now April. My doctor discovered that I am not irregular as I once believed I was because I did not have a period every 28 days. She told me that I actually had a 35 day cycle which was why my periods came as spaced out as they did. Based on that for the month of April she told us to try on the 15, 17, 19 of the cycle.

We tried on the 15th, and the 17th, on the 19th we had an argument and it just sort of didn’t happen.

However, on the 15th I had EWCM (Egg White Cervical Mucus) which I have never noticed before, which means I was probably ovulating or just about to. Five days later on April 10 I discovered I was spotting. I got extremely excited because I thought it might be implantation bleeding though that is supposed to happen 6-10 dpo and  I was not there yet. I read I might have been at peak fertility that day which was why I had the bleeding, but we did not have sex that day because the thought of IB (Implantation bleeding) kind of turned my husband off.

It is now April 22, 2008. I am now 30 days into my cycle. I have 5 more days until my period is due. It also means I am currently 16dpo (days past ovulation). By 18dpo I have been told you will know definitively if you are pregnant or not though most people know by 16dpo. Currently I have taken approximately four pregnancy tests and all have been negative. Two were well before I should have ever done it, but in my obsessive state, I did it anyways. Preg Test 3 was 14 dpo which is the minimum to get an accurate reading earliest. BFN. Preg Test 4 was today 16dpo and again, BFN.

I am naturally a bit depressed. I have sore boobs, yesterday one was a cup size larger than the other randomly though they are the same size again now. I had a strange metallic taste in my mouth three days earlier. I felt weird cramps in my stomach.  I had major headaches, and by 9pm I want to curl up in bed and conk out for 12 hours. These are not the way I normally am. Am I just getting sick? Am I pregnant? If I’m 16dpo I should be getting a BFP and I am not. Its so frustrating.

Maybe its because I grew up my entire life waiting for test results be it from college exams, or bar exams, that I am waiting for results too anxiously, and when I see the negative, I somehow personally feel like a failure.

The bad news for my addiction (good news for my pregnancy test habit) is that I just ordered five aimsticks from Amazon.com which detect very low levels of HCG and are extremely cheap.

I really wish I could stop testing. Its becoming an obsession, and as habits come, this one is fairly addictive.

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